Weird, isn't it? First, just let me say that... I FUCKING HATE BEING LIED TO GOD DAMN IT MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING CLIT LICKING SON OF A BITCH. Now that that's out of my system, I want it clear that none of that was directed at him. More at myself for being too stupid to end everything when I still had even an once of my sanity left. I'm getting so sick and tired of boys telling me that they love me, and then ditching me for someone else a week later. Literally. I really do hate my life sometimes. Hell, I even made a post on fmylife.com. I doubt it ever gets up there, but I entered it.
So let's start from the beginning. Friday started out like any other day would have when I was able to go see him. I couldn't sleep the night before and I woke up way too early and I was hyper all fucking day. Because hey, the faster I get school over with, the sooner I would get to see him! Sounds like a plan to me! so I go through all the school bullshit with minimal bitching because I know Swayzes is just going to be FANTASTIC with James there. You might recall the LAST time we were at Swayzes together, and I pretty much exploded with happiness because we had the deep conversation and the closeness and the happiness and he told me he loved me ectect. So I was pretty pumped.
I FINALLY get picked up from school [ten minutes early because I'm officially a senior now and I can do stuff like that] and I pretty much sing the entire way home. [which I only do if I'm ridicuously happy] but anyway we drop Leah off at her house and I skeedaddle myself inside to await my amazing evening. I put on makeup, and sit in my room playing my bass because hey, that's why nifty scene kids do while they're waiting to go out to a venue. Anyway, I wait and wait and wait and finally at 5:45 my mom gets here. [Mom doesn't live here anymore, but she's still my ride.] Anyway, I get even more excited because I get to see James at 7 and I haven't seen him in over a month and i love love love him. ectect. [yet again, fuck love.] BUT while we're waiting to leave, since we couldn't leave until 6:15 unless I wanted to get there early, which i didn't, i find out that I'm in trouble for something. Mother gave me 'the look'. It was terrifying. So I wait out the rest of the time just freaking the fuck out because of 'the look' and being scared to go anywhere near my mother. I kept asking what I had done wrong and she kept saying that we would talk about it in the car. Which of course meant that there would be no witnesses if she killed me.
We finally get into the car and she starts off with some light conversation about grades and such and then she hits me with it. My grandmother. Read through my IMs. In an attempt to find a reason for James to not be able to go to Alabama with me. well she fucking found it. Now my other knows that I've given James head. But the thing is, she doesn't CARE. I was going to get in trouble because she thought I was giving bad advice to my friend because my mother trusts me and didn't think I actually HAD sucked a dick before. Well she was wrong, I have, but I'm not in trouble. She just doesn't care, and says she still likes James because he makes me so happy. YAYYY. [or so I thought] the thing is, he can't go to my Granny's house with me anymore. just because mom doesn't want us fucking at my poor grandmama's house. xDDDD
So I finally get to Swayzes and I'm kind of excited because James is bringing three of his friends that I've never met before. I always love James's friends. They're just terrific. Welllll one of them turns out to be a girl, I'm not going to tell you her name because I might still want to be friends with her after I calm the fuck down. When I first get t Swayzes I go into the convinience store instead of heading the the venue right away. I definitely needed batteries for my camera, since I'm an amature photographer and all. I buy those and, while I'm in the store, James calls me. eeeek! :D:D:D:D Which just made me even happier than I had felt before since he was so eager to see me. I finally walk out of the store and instead of going over to James [don't want to seem TOO pathetic] and his friends... I walk over to my friends car and talk to her for a little while. the whole time James never even tried to come over the the car. :( It made me a little sad. Anyway, I get done talking to her and I walk over to James and his friends. The girl I had just been talking to followed me. Well, we get over there and I see the friends. the girl if gorgeous, which I figured she would be. and James's haircut looks sooo fucking cute. we just say hi to each other and then I watch his friends act liek dorks for a few minutes. James decides that it's hot outside and he wants to go into Swayzes so we walk up to the door and I end up having to take everyones money and give it to greyson at the door because my little goth friends don't want to talk to the scene doorboy. I pay for everyone and distribute wristbands and we walk inside. It smelled funny. James and the girl are walking awfully close. I try to put it out of my head. We wait, the first band is horrible, and we sit on the couch to chill.
She's sitting way too close to him for my comfort. She keeps trying to hold his hand and he lets her.... until i look at him. then he pulls it away. Now I fucking understand. I ask my friend to come outside with me and I tell her that I think the girl might be James's girlfriend. she immediately knows that it isn't good. I almost cry, but I can't because my eyeliner would run like a bitch.
I walk back inside and try to act normal. I don't know for sure after all. then someone calls me and I have to go outside the hear them. When I'm done with that and I'm walking back into the venue, I see james and the girl holding hands. I walk up to my friend and she tells me that while i was outside, they kissed. I DO cry. Only a few tears, so he can't see, but they're there. I walk up to him and type in a message on my phone, since he wouldn't be able to hear me anyway. it says "You brought your fucking GIRLFRIEND?!?" I smile while I'm showing him so no one else knows that something is wrong. He tries to act like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. FAIL. I stomp outside and sit for a minute. He texts me after about 4 minutes. it says "You hate me now." I don't text him back. Instead I walk back inside and hang out with my friend for a little bit. I punch a wall, multiple times... my knuckles are scratched. then I walk back to James and his friends and I try to act like nothing has happened. He seems 10xs more distant that he did before. At least before he was TRYING to act like he still gave a fuck about me. Well finally I drag him over the the side and make him pinky promise to talk to me the next day, because the only thing worse than seeing him with the girl, is KNOWING he's with someone else and not knowing if she's fucking him over or hurting him. I can't stand the thought of him being hurt.
He pinky promises, he even uses both pinkys. the look he gives me makes me want to cry all over again. I want to tell him how much I love him, and try to fight for him, but hey. We broke up in February. He hasn't been mine for months. It hurts so much more knowing that I can never have him back. His friends decide that they're thirsy and we walk to the store again. He tags back behind them so we can talk without them listening. He tells me that he doesn't hate me and that he hopes I don't hate him. Everytime I look at him it hurts more and more. The girl keeps looking back at us. I wonder what she sees. The fat wanna-be girlfriend trying to take her man? The pathetic only-a-friend who has no chance of EVER getting someone that perfect? I don't fucking care. We buy the stuff, then go back to Swayzes. I tell him to stop pretending that they aren't dating. His firends even called the girl his girlfriend in the store. she keeps hugging onto him and saying things that only a girlfriend would say. I keep repeating "I must not breakdown" in my head. We walk back to the venue, and I have to sit through 4 more bands worth of music. Everytime I glance at the group of friends, he's making out with her. I can't STAND it. I want to hit him.. no, i want to hit her. but i know it's not her fault. she's probably never even heard of me before. she's a cool girl anyway. but the pain in my heart feels like it's going to rip me in half. by the last band i can't concentrate on anything. my brain is rattled and my hands are shaking. when we get outside he asks me to hug him before he leaves. i think about it for .02 seconds before i realise that if i DON'T hug him, I'll hate myself. he says "well THAT was reluctant" i know. he lets go way too soon and i hurts so much more to know that might be the last time i get a hug from him. i see my ride and i walk to the car. the entire way home i think of him. I tell mom that I'm sleepy so she won't talk to me. if i talk I'll crack. keep in mind. my mother JUST found out I have sex with this kid, and she called him a good guy. THEN I FIND OUT HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND BEHIND MY BACK. I'm so confused and so hurt. it sucks some major balls. when i finally get home, i text him telling him to text me when he's alone and not too tired. i wait until mom leaves again, then i go in my bathroom. i text sarah, amber, and kyle that I'm sorry before i do anything. they're going to be the most hurt about what I'm doing.
I look in my secret box, and find my razor. I make a long slit across my stomach, if i wasn't so fat, i might have kept him. I make equally long cuts up both my outer thighs. i need to feel the pain everytime i walk. this is the 2nd time I've cut over him and I know it'll be my last. I stay up for an hour trying to make the blood stop. i give up and slip on my pajamas. the blood stains my clothes. the next day it takes him until 10pm to text me. we talk and i find out that he's known her since he was 12 and he really cares about her. it breaks me. I'm glad we're texting and not talking.
he's going to try and stay with her for as long as possible.
I'm going to try and get over him.
it feels impossible.
I cut friday, it's now sunday.
both today and yesterday, i tore my cuts so they would bleed again. I want the pain. anything to distract me from him. i talked to him today as well. he's going swimming with the girl and his bestfriend. i really do hope they have fun.
I hate myself more than anyone could ever imagine, and if it weren't for sarah, I'd slit so deep that not even a surgeon could fix me.
James, I love you. I wish I didn't, but I do.
I will NEVER let you know just how bad all of this hurt me.
and I will always try to make you as happy as you could ever be.
I'm going to miss being a GIRL for you, and not just a friend.
but i knew when this started that i couldn't keep you forever.
I hope you're happy with your fucking choice.
and to anyone who read this, sorry. but i think it might be the last one about him.
I'm going to fucking sleep.
and i hope i don't wake up.
Happy.
Fucking.
Summer.
So let's start from the beginning. Friday started out like any other day would have when I was able to go see him. I couldn't sleep the night before and I woke up way too early and I was hyper all fucking day. Because hey, the faster I get school over with, the sooner I would get to see him! Sounds like a plan to me! so I go through all the school bullshit with minimal bitching because I know Swayzes is just going to be FANTASTIC with James there. You might recall the LAST time we were at Swayzes together, and I pretty much exploded with happiness because we had the deep conversation and the closeness and the happiness and he told me he loved me ectect. So I was pretty pumped.
I FINALLY get picked up from school [ten minutes early because I'm officially a senior now and I can do stuff like that] and I pretty much sing the entire way home. [which I only do if I'm ridicuously happy] but anyway we drop Leah off at her house and I skeedaddle myself inside to await my amazing evening. I put on makeup, and sit in my room playing my bass because hey, that's why nifty scene kids do while they're waiting to go out to a venue. Anyway, I wait and wait and wait and finally at 5:45 my mom gets here. [Mom doesn't live here anymore, but she's still my ride.] Anyway, I get even more excited because I get to see James at 7 and I haven't seen him in over a month and i love love love him. ectect. [yet again, fuck love.] BUT while we're waiting to leave, since we couldn't leave until 6:15 unless I wanted to get there early, which i didn't, i find out that I'm in trouble for something. Mother gave me 'the look'. It was terrifying. So I wait out the rest of the time just freaking the fuck out because of 'the look' and being scared to go anywhere near my mother. I kept asking what I had done wrong and she kept saying that we would talk about it in the car. Which of course meant that there would be no witnesses if she killed me.
We finally get into the car and she starts off with some light conversation about grades and such and then she hits me with it. My grandmother. Read through my IMs. In an attempt to find a reason for James to not be able to go to Alabama with me. well she fucking found it. Now my other knows that I've given James head. But the thing is, she doesn't CARE. I was going to get in trouble because she thought I was giving bad advice to my friend because my mother trusts me and didn't think I actually HAD sucked a dick before. Well she was wrong, I have, but I'm not in trouble. She just doesn't care, and says she still likes James because he makes me so happy. YAYYY. [or so I thought] the thing is, he can't go to my Granny's house with me anymore. just because mom doesn't want us fucking at my poor grandmama's house. xDDDD
So I finally get to Swayzes and I'm kind of excited because James is bringing three of his friends that I've never met before. I always love James's friends. They're just terrific. Welllll one of them turns out to be a girl, I'm not going to tell you her name because I might still want to be friends with her after I calm the fuck down. When I first get t Swayzes I go into the convinience store instead of heading the the venue right away. I definitely needed batteries for my camera, since I'm an amature photographer and all. I buy those and, while I'm in the store, James calls me. eeeek! :D:D:D:D Which just made me even happier than I had felt before since he was so eager to see me. I finally walk out of the store and instead of going over to James [don't want to seem TOO pathetic] and his friends... I walk over to my friends car and talk to her for a little while. the whole time James never even tried to come over the the car. :( It made me a little sad. Anyway, I get done talking to her and I walk over to James and his friends. The girl I had just been talking to followed me. Well, we get over there and I see the friends. the girl if gorgeous, which I figured she would be. and James's haircut looks sooo fucking cute. we just say hi to each other and then I watch his friends act liek dorks for a few minutes. James decides that it's hot outside and he wants to go into Swayzes so we walk up to the door and I end up having to take everyones money and give it to greyson at the door because my little goth friends don't want to talk to the scene doorboy. I pay for everyone and distribute wristbands and we walk inside. It smelled funny. James and the girl are walking awfully close. I try to put it out of my head. We wait, the first band is horrible, and we sit on the couch to chill.
She's sitting way too close to him for my comfort. She keeps trying to hold his hand and he lets her.... until i look at him. then he pulls it away. Now I fucking understand. I ask my friend to come outside with me and I tell her that I think the girl might be James's girlfriend. she immediately knows that it isn't good. I almost cry, but I can't because my eyeliner would run like a bitch.
I walk back inside and try to act normal. I don't know for sure after all. then someone calls me and I have to go outside the hear them. When I'm done with that and I'm walking back into the venue, I see james and the girl holding hands. I walk up to my friend and she tells me that while i was outside, they kissed. I DO cry. Only a few tears, so he can't see, but they're there. I walk up to him and type in a message on my phone, since he wouldn't be able to hear me anyway. it says "You brought your fucking GIRLFRIEND?!?" I smile while I'm showing him so no one else knows that something is wrong. He tries to act like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. FAIL. I stomp outside and sit for a minute. He texts me after about 4 minutes. it says "You hate me now." I don't text him back. Instead I walk back inside and hang out with my friend for a little bit. I punch a wall, multiple times... my knuckles are scratched. then I walk back to James and his friends and I try to act like nothing has happened. He seems 10xs more distant that he did before. At least before he was TRYING to act like he still gave a fuck about me. Well finally I drag him over the the side and make him pinky promise to talk to me the next day, because the only thing worse than seeing him with the girl, is KNOWING he's with someone else and not knowing if she's fucking him over or hurting him. I can't stand the thought of him being hurt.
He pinky promises, he even uses both pinkys. the look he gives me makes me want to cry all over again. I want to tell him how much I love him, and try to fight for him, but hey. We broke up in February. He hasn't been mine for months. It hurts so much more knowing that I can never have him back. His friends decide that they're thirsy and we walk to the store again. He tags back behind them so we can talk without them listening. He tells me that he doesn't hate me and that he hopes I don't hate him. Everytime I look at him it hurts more and more. The girl keeps looking back at us. I wonder what she sees. The fat wanna-be girlfriend trying to take her man? The pathetic only-a-friend who has no chance of EVER getting someone that perfect? I don't fucking care. We buy the stuff, then go back to Swayzes. I tell him to stop pretending that they aren't dating. His firends even called the girl his girlfriend in the store. she keeps hugging onto him and saying things that only a girlfriend would say. I keep repeating "I must not breakdown" in my head. We walk back to the venue, and I have to sit through 4 more bands worth of music. Everytime I glance at the group of friends, he's making out with her. I can't STAND it. I want to hit him.. no, i want to hit her. but i know it's not her fault. she's probably never even heard of me before. she's a cool girl anyway. but the pain in my heart feels like it's going to rip me in half. by the last band i can't concentrate on anything. my brain is rattled and my hands are shaking. when we get outside he asks me to hug him before he leaves. i think about it for .02 seconds before i realise that if i DON'T hug him, I'll hate myself. he says "well THAT was reluctant" i know. he lets go way too soon and i hurts so much more to know that might be the last time i get a hug from him. i see my ride and i walk to the car. the entire way home i think of him. I tell mom that I'm sleepy so she won't talk to me. if i talk I'll crack. keep in mind. my mother JUST found out I have sex with this kid, and she called him a good guy. THEN I FIND OUT HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND BEHIND MY BACK. I'm so confused and so hurt. it sucks some major balls. when i finally get home, i text him telling him to text me when he's alone and not too tired. i wait until mom leaves again, then i go in my bathroom. i text sarah, amber, and kyle that I'm sorry before i do anything. they're going to be the most hurt about what I'm doing.
I look in my secret box, and find my razor. I make a long slit across my stomach, if i wasn't so fat, i might have kept him. I make equally long cuts up both my outer thighs. i need to feel the pain everytime i walk. this is the 2nd time I've cut over him and I know it'll be my last. I stay up for an hour trying to make the blood stop. i give up and slip on my pajamas. the blood stains my clothes. the next day it takes him until 10pm to text me. we talk and i find out that he's known her since he was 12 and he really cares about her. it breaks me. I'm glad we're texting and not talking.
he's going to try and stay with her for as long as possible.
I'm going to try and get over him.
it feels impossible.
I cut friday, it's now sunday.
both today and yesterday, i tore my cuts so they would bleed again. I want the pain. anything to distract me from him. i talked to him today as well. he's going swimming with the girl and his bestfriend. i really do hope they have fun.
I hate myself more than anyone could ever imagine, and if it weren't for sarah, I'd slit so deep that not even a surgeon could fix me.
James, I love you. I wish I didn't, but I do.
I will NEVER let you know just how bad all of this hurt me.
and I will always try to make you as happy as you could ever be.
I'm going to miss being a GIRL for you, and not just a friend.
but i knew when this started that i couldn't keep you forever.
I hope you're happy with your fucking choice.
and to anyone who read this, sorry. but i think it might be the last one about him.
I'm going to fucking sleep.
and i hope i don't wake up.
Happy.
Fucking.
Summer.
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