I guess it's time for me to start telling the truth.
Trevor has broken me in more ways than I can count. He promised all sorts of things to me, wonderful things I really believed in. Then blew it up in my face, and completely 360'd his thinking. He mind fucked me almost as hard as James, and even if I do go see him now it will never be the same. I'll never be able to trust him again and I'll never be able to believe in him. He's broken to me, too.
I'm broken in a completely new way this time, though. I'm still able to live life normally. I can still socialize and pretend everything is okay. But I know it's really not. I know that inside I feel like I'm dying. I know that I can't breathe when I think about him and I know that he never thinks about me. I go cold, and stiff, when I think of the wonderful things we could have had. The things he never really wanted.
I'm glad he's happy though. I'm glad he found someone he can be content with and that he's not hurting anymore. I just wish I could have been the one to help him. I wish I could have helped to fix him. I wish he would have picked me.
But of course I'm too far away. I'll just cheat. He can't trust me. He can't trust anyone. Despite that I was completely faithful to him months in advance to him thinking this. Despite that I'd give anything to please him, anything to make him happy. I'm still the one that's going to hurt him. He hurt me before I had the chance. He saved himself from a danger that was never there to begin with.
He told me he fucking loved me. That's the worst part. He sounded like he meant it. It FELT like he meant it. Then again, I'm just gullible I suppose. Trevor this, Trevor that. Day in, day out.
I still fucking love this kid. This asshole. This monstrosity in my mind. He still visits me while I sleep. He's still on my mind while I'm awake. He still surrounds me, without ever being close enough to touch fingertips.
I compare every boy I meet to him. None of them measure up. He thinks I'm purposely trying to make myself miserable, but I'm not. There's just the slight problem that no one I've met is worth my time. No one can talk to me like he can. No one thinks like he does. No one makes me feel like I still do when I talk to him. Like I need his words to live, even though they're going to kill me.
I wish I could give these feelings up. I wish I could be done with them and I could let him be happy without constantly reminding him that his happiness comes at the price of my pain. I don't want to hurt him, though I doubt I ever could. I want him to live life and be every bit as happy and loved as he deserves. (Which is quiet a lot, as it turns out.) I just wish I could cut away the ties I have to him. I wish I didn't have to care about him anymore. I wish I didn't have to hurt when I see them together. I wish I could see his smile, and know without a doubt that I could never make him any happier than she is.
40 days left until I was supposed to go see him. 40 measly days. And he couldn't fucking wait. I wasn't worth waiting less than a fucking year for. I wasn't worth the effort. That irritates me more than anything. Every time he said "Krystal. I'm just as emotionally invested in this as you are." BULLSHIT. You, Trevor Dylan Philbrick, are full of shit. If you gave even a TENTH of the damn I give about you, YOU WOULD HAVE FUCKING WAITED. You would have KNOWN I was worth waiting for, and you wouldn't have given up quite so easily.
By the way, all this time that I've been working my ass off trying to find a way to you, all these months where I've thought about nothing but seeing you, where were you? Where was YOUR effort to see ME. Why weren't YOU wondering how you could pay for bus tickets or plane tickets or gas or ANYTHING. This isn't a fucking one way street. You could have tried SOMETHING before giving up.
And now I'm done. At least here I can get everything out. At least here I won't be abandoned.
